“It’s starting to get Christmassy around here. The fake wreaths are hanging. The lattes at Starbucks are spiced. The holidays are upon us and won’t get off us.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Only 12 shopping days left before Christmas. The big toy this year is the Furby. It’s a toy that came out in 1998. It’s weird how old junk suddenly becomes valuable and you wish you hadn’t thrown them out — kind of like the way CNN feels about Larry King right about now.” – Craig Ferguson
“As we get closer to Christmas, these Christmas tree lots try to rip you off because they know you’re desperate. They know you need a tree. I was at a lot last night. I went to buy a tree. Needles sold separately. I couldn’t believe it.” -Jay Leno
“A survey found that 66 million Americans haven’t started their holiday shopping. Which means they only have 14 more days to find out which gas station near their house sells Chili’s gift cards.” –Jimmy Fallon
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” — Jay Leno
“Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of ‘s.’ I suppose you could say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year,’ but you probably have sh*t to do.” – Jon Stewart, on Bill O’Reilly’s objection to “Happy Holidays”
“According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won’t have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress.” – Jay Leno
“The other night they had that Christmas in Washington holiday special. And you know, people in Washington, right away the bickering started. Lou Dobbs accused Santa of using illegal immigrant labor. Rush Limbaugh said the gifts were part of some kind of socialist give away program. The AFL-CIO claims that Santa underpays his elves, and of course, since it’s Washington, you’re not going to find three wise men and a virgin. So the whole thing was pretty much a disaster.” – Jay Leno
“There are a lot of holiday parties coming up at the White House. Obama is getting ready to host the Administration’s first Hanukkah party tomorrow. Kind of an embarrassing moment, though. Today, after they lit the menorah, Biden blew it out and made a wish.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a recent poll, 22% of Americans now say, ‘Happy Holidays.’ The other 78% say, ‘Feliz Navidad.'” –Jay Leno
“One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. Isn’t that nice? And if front of that is a 400-pound ginger bread ‘foreclosed’ sign.” –Conan O’Brien
“President Obama went Christmas shopping at Best Buy in Virginia this week. He had to go to Best Buy because he’s not allowed to go to Walmart, because China said, “You can’t buy any more stuff from us until you pay off what you already owe us.” –Jay Leno
“I was thinking about Santa Claus. When you really think about it, this has to be the biggest, most elaborate prank in the history of the world. It’s like we’re all in on a huge joke we’re playing on kids. And eventually they figure it out and they start lying to their kids, too.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama bought about $200 worth of Christmas presents at Best Buy. Then it got awkward when he asked the Geek Squad if they fix economies.” –Jimmy Fallon
“As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They’re called relatives.” –Jay Leno
“Vice President Joe Biden just mailed his family Christmas card which is signed with his dog Champ’s paw print. The weird thing is, Biden actually does that with all his important documents.” – Jimmy Fallon
