“In fact, Santa isn’t even an American. I have news for you. The real Santa is Chinese. You think elves are the ones making that plastic crap we give our kids? No. Chinese people are.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s starting to get Christmassy around here. The fake wreaths are hanging. The lattes at Starbucks are spiced. The holidays are upon us and won’t get off us.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Only 12 shopping days left before Christmas. The big toy this year is the Furby. It’s a toy that came out in 1998. It’s weird how old junk suddenly becomes valuable and you wish you hadn’t thrown them out — kind of like the way CNN feels about Larry King right about now.” – Craig Ferguson
“As we get closer to Christmas, these Christmas tree lots try to rip you off because they know you’re desperate. They know you need a tree. I was at a lot last night. I went to buy a tree. Needles sold separately. I couldn’t believe it.” – Jay Leno
“A survey found that 66 million Americans haven’t started their holiday shopping. Which means they only have 14 more days to find out which gas station near their house sells Chili’s gift cards.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” – Jay Leno
“Vice President Joe Biden just mailed his family Christmas card which is signed with his dog Champ’s paw print. The weird thing is, Biden actually does that with all his important documents.” – Jimmy Fallon
