Christmas Jokes/Laughs From The Pros

Christmas Jokes/Laughs From The Pros

“A theater in Chicago is staging a version of Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” where the actors are all Klingons. It honors the true meaning of Christmas, since the audience is full of virgins.” – Conan O’Brien

“This weekend there were big Christmas sales, Congress repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and the President signed the tax-cut extension bill. So if you’re a gay soldier who’s also a millionaire, looking for tax-refund money to go Christmas shopping, this was the time of your life.” – Jay Leno

“A lot of companies had their Christmas parties tonight. A lot of people couldn’t make it because their company is in India.” – Jay Leno

“This Christmas season, the post office will handle 10 billion packages. They won’t deliver them, they’ll just handle them.” – David Letterman

“In Abu Dhabi, there’s an $11 million Christmas tree. The prime minister of Abu Dhabi said he hoped the tree would be a symbol that Abu Dhabi has a lot more money than us. And that we’re paying far too much for gas.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Nigeria has issued an arrest warrant for Dick Cheney. Good luck serving that this time of year. Cheney’s up in Whoville, stealing Christmas.”  – Jay Leno

“Apparently the president couldn’t decide whether to put white Christmas lights or red and green Christmas lights up. Why not just ask the Republicans? They’ll tell you what to do.” – Craig Ferguso

“Part-time Governor Sarah Palin shot and killed a reindeer on last week’s TV show. And that was her Christmas special. Took her three shots. Well, she’s rusty. Last thing she brought down was John McCain.” – David Letterman

“The White House Christmas tree took four-and-a-half days to set up. You know how much twine it takes to strap a pine tree to the top of Air Force One?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The annual Christmas Village in Philadelphia has been renamed The Holiday Village. And Santa’s reindeer have now become Non-Denominational Venison.” – Jay Leno

“A Senator from Oklahoma says he won’t participate in his state’s holiday parade unless they put Christ back in the title. So get ready for this year’s ‘Christ, It’s Cold Out Parade.'” – Conan O’Brien

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