Christmas Jokes From The Professionals

by The Internet

“Americans say they are planning to do a lot of their holiday shopping this year at warehouse stores like Costco. Because, folks, nothing says Merry Christmas like 90 rolls of toilet paper.” – Conan O’Brien

“Julian Assange, the WikiLeaks guy, is out on bail and everybody wants to interview him. Barbara Walters wants to know if he’s a lesbian. Today in the holiday spirit he leaked 200 letters to Santa.” – David Letterman

“Barack Obama is on vacation in Hawaii right now. And today many newspapers carried pictures of a shirtless Obama playing in the ocean. Did you see that? Yeah. So as you’re thinking of things to be thankful for this holiday, remember, that could have been a shirtless John McCain.” – Conan O’Brien

“The nice thing about the holidays is the holiday spirit. Let me give you an example of how the holiday spirit affects people. You know that guy that threw the shoes at President Bush? Well, today, he was throwing fruit cakes.” – David Letterman

“You folks excited about the holidays? Remember Sarah Palin? She is so excited about the holidays she held a press conference today to announce that from her house she can see the North Pole.” – David Letterman

‎”The season wouldn’t feel the same without people going out of their way to be offended by nothing.” – Jon Stewart on the “War on Christmas”

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