“Judge, Don’t lock me up. I swear these charges… breaking and entering… and theft… aren’t nearly as bad as they sound. And, I think, once you’ve heard me out, you’ll agree that I was justified in taking these actions. All I ask is that you listen to my story.” I said, pleading my case before the Judge in Small Claims Court, with two gun-toting officers stationed at each door.
The Judge sat back and slid his glasses down to where they barely dangled on the bridge of his nose. I could tell he wasn’t going to believe a word I said. That meant he’d find me guilty. That meant… jail time.
Scared, I started to babble. “It all began on our annual shopping trip to Dallas. I go every year with my Woman’s Club group. Anyway, it was there that the idea… Ahhh, those evil thoughts, first took root and began to fester.”
I glanced around to see if Debbie Burr had shown up. I prayed she hadn’t. It’d be so much easier to tell the tale if she wasn’t here.
Luckily, I didn’t see her or her husband, Chuck.
“Now, I’m not evil. Nor do I harbor more envious thoughts than most. There are just things that I want, and when you see others with more than their share… Well, it can push someone over the edge and you just fall… This was one of those times.”
The judge leaned forward, appearing interested.
“I felt the first twinge when I raced off the bus into the Gypsy Caravan. It’s a fabulous, chic store in Dallas. Anyway… once in, I watched all my Woman’s Club girlfriends run too. All but Debbie Burr. She walked unperturbed, as rain drizzled out of the sky, all over her head.”
“I mean it was raining. Sometimes it even poured.”
“That’s when I saw her bouncy hair, and understood the reason. She didn’t need to rush. Her curly hair remained alive and perky, and beautiful, unlike the rest of us, whose hair had melted like cotton candy.”
I searched the courtroom again, hoping none of my fellow friends, the bedraggled, were there. Again, I was safe, alone in a room full of strangers.
“Oh Judge, you need to know, this day would be a photo flashing day. I’m talking pictures all day long. Then, those shots would be held and mounted in a photo album and kept for years. Decades even. Everyone would see them. And only Debbie Burr would look attractive.”
“A couple of days later, I saw her kids. They all had her curly, puffy, fabulous hair. All of them. Even the boy.” I took a deep breath and exhaled. “Well, I knew it was genetic. That’s when I decided. All I needed to do was get her DNA, figure out which gene it was, clone it and inject it, and then I would have fabulous hair too.”
I shot the judge a glittering smile. “You understand… Don’t you… Because you’re bald… Wouldn’t you like to have a head of hair like that?”
I shoved a couple of pictures of Debbie and her kids under his nose.
“So see… Really… All I did was let myself in to her house… And take a couple of hairs out of her brush… And leave.” I shrugged. “It’s all perfectly understandable.”
The Judge surveyed the pictures, carefully studying each one.
“And really, what harm did I do?” I shrugged again.
“Did you have any luck locating the curly hair gene?” he asked.
“Well, my techno-science-nerd-friend says he’s close.” I grinned. “Just think of it. We could solve most of the world’s hair problems and make billions at the same time.”
The Judge’s eyes narrowed. He stared down hard at me. “Did this…” He shuffled through some papers, pulled one up and read, “Debbie Burr… mind you stealing her DNA?”
“Nope. She just thought it was weird… And her husband, Chuck… Well, he wasn’t wild about me breaking into their house. But I really think if the cop hadn’t been so determined to arrest me, the whole thing would have blown over… in a couple of months or so.” I shrugged and tried to look harmless.
“Where are Mr. and Mrs. Burr?”
I glanced around. “They’re not here.”
“Well, if that’s the case, I dismiss this case…” The Judge slammed the gavel on the desk.
The Judge mumbled something else that I didn’t catch, since I was screaming and jumping with delight.
I turned to run out of the courtroom when he yelled. “You… Mrs…”
“Yes Sir… You mean me… Your Judge-ship Sir?” I babbled and slunk back up to his high perch.
“If that techno-nerd friend of yours finds the genes, give me a call.” Then, he winked.
“Sure. I’ll even give you some Debbie Burr hair for free.” I winked and ran out of the courthouse.
Even Debbie’s Precious Granddaughter Has Curles!
Debbie and Chuck’s daughters. A colossal collection of curls!
Debbie and one of her Darlings!
Look at those CURLS!!!
Every Day It’s Curls…
The Burr Family
Windblown and Still Fabulous!
Now Really… Is This Fair?
…